If Company Slogans Were Honest
What your favourite brands are really selling.
CharlieHR is “the HR platform for teams with big ideas”, which couldn’t really be any more literal. After all, no one needs their HR system to promise to to make all their dreams come true (unless your dreams involve finding a phone number really, really quickly, or booking a week’s holiday without sending fifteen emails).
But we’re not the only brand with a shiny corporate slogan, and some of them aren’t quite so…descriptive. Whether it’s a mission, a vision or some kind of immersive, sensory, onomatopoeic metaphor, businesses around the world spend weeks, or even years, perfecting their top-line messaging. As inspiring or motivating, as they might be, they’re not always that *honest. *With that in mind, we decided to rewrite a few of our favourites…
“Buy something random when you’re drunk”.Amazon claims to be “Earth’s Most Customer-centric Company”, but we primarily use it to make spur-of-the-moment homeware purchases after a night out. New colander? £8. Bath mat? £6. Getting a package in the post that you completely forgot about? Better than Christmas.
“Are you still watching?”Not since Spielberg’s A.I. has a question posed by a robot felt so full of judgement. Netflix thinks their slogan is “Discover New Stories”, but it’s hard to feel like an explorer when you’re into your seventh consecutive hour of sitting in your pants eating pickles from the jar. Once you’ve yelled “you’re not the boss of me!” at a laptop, you’ve already lost.
“You’re half way there”Nike chose “Just Do It” as a slogan, but that’s still ambitious for most of us. The best bit about wearing sports clothes is that everyone assumes you’re on your way to a workout, which in a way sort of counts, because perception is 2/3 of reality. Plus, getting dressed burns 6 calories, and the right leggings can be very slimming anyway. Did you do a 40 minute intensive spin class? Perhaps not, but you might do one in the future, and your heart is beating faster just at the thought…#nike
“Gotta Catch ’Em All”Forget the green stuff, iPhones are the most potent gateway drug known to modern man. Apple have suggested “Think Different” as their corporate slogan, but they should have borrowed this one-liner instead. Once you’ve got the phone, the screen isn’t big enough, so you need an iPad, which can’t quite manage all the functions of a MacBook. Stacking your Apple devices on top of one another results in a sense of satisfaction like no other, but at what cost? (approx. £3000).
“It’s 3am!”The best part about this depressingly realistic slogan is that it still fits into the jaunty upbeat tune of “I’m Loving It!”. By the time we’re old enough to turn up to work every day, most of us don’t have the metabolism for a daily McMuffin any more, but that doesn’t mean we won’t knock back three cheeseburgers solo after a late one at our cousin’s engagement party. Even if you have a minor breakdown and hit up a banana milkshake during daylight hours, there’s still an eerie timelessness to those bright yellow interiors.
What company slogans do you think need an honest makeover? Tweet us your best at @joincharlie!